“How much better to heal than seek revenge from injury. Vengeance wastes a lot of time and exposes you to many more injuries than the first that sparked it. Anger always outlasts hurt. Best to take the opposite course.” -Seneca
There are many mental and physical health conditions that may cause us to have a "hair trigger" when it comes to expressing anger. We don't have a choice in the condition/s that we are diagnosed with, but it is our jobs to manage them effectively to minimize fallout for ourselves and those in our vicinity.*
Psychiatrists and therapists have much valuable information and resources when it comes to anger relief options. If you struggle with anger, make your doctor your first point of contact, they will assist in finding the appropriate plan of action for you.
To manage anger effectively, it is important to practice self-control, engage in introspection, and find positive methods to ease negative feelings in difficult situations. It is important to keep in mind that failing to prepare is essentially preparing to fail.
Just like our other emotions, anger can be a valuable tool in our emotional repertoire. It is crucial to understand how to handle it positively to prevent harm or unease, especially in our personal relationships. Being prepared and having a strategy are key when dealing with intense and difficult emotions like anger. As we all encounter situations that can be frustrating and provoke us, it is wise to equip ourselves with methods to pause and soothe our minds when needed.
Consider a thought experiment:
While at the grocery store to pick up a few items, you notice all of the checkouts are occupied with long lines. Initially expecting a quick visit, you start to feel irritated and interpret the situations around you as personally bothersome. Some individuals may wander through the store aimlessly, stopping abruptly to chat in aisles, and obstructing pathways with no regard to the nuisance they cause. You may begin viewing the staff as inefficient or unfriendly, or perceive other customers as inconveniencing you. Additionally, a mother and child in line are engaged in a loud argument, amidst a continuous background noise of chatter and the constant beeping of scanners and checkouts.
Your mind may interpret these circumstances as sources of stress or anger, even though they are not inherently stressful or anger-inducing. Ask yourself the following questions;
If you were to act on your anger and display hostility, how would the situation unfold?
Would it help you reach the front of the line faster?
Would it alleviate the tensions you're feeling?
Would your outburst rectify the perceived wrongs of others?
Would it leave you feeling satisfied with how the situation played out?
Unsurprisingly, the answer is a resounding NO. Acting on anger often proves more harmful than beneficial, both to ourselves and those around us. Very rarely does it lead to a satisfactory outcome, and the actual result is usually far from what we had hoped for.
Remember the old proverb, "you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar," emphasizing that kindness is better received than aggression. By choosing to use kind and empathetic words and actions, along with patience, we are more likely to achieve the desired outcome.
Changing how we perceive situations like this can have a significant impact on how we respond to them. Instead of seeing waiting in line as a frustrating experience, try viewing it as a brief break in your day, a momentary escape from the hustle and bustle of daily life. Reflect on the usual triggers that affect you, and then take steps to replace those negative emotions with more positive ones through the use of thought experiments and methods of distraction.
For example;
Listening to music or a podcast with headphones can minimize the impact of background noise. Remember that people are multifaceted beings with their own emotions and experiences, just like you. Instead of judging, try to empathize by putting yourself in their position. Would you prefer to be met with anger or understanding? While it may sound cliché, treating others as you would like to be treated can encourage reciprocal behavior.
Physically Managing Anger
Some people may find greater relief from anger through physical means and there are a variety of healthy ways to accomplish this. Below are a few things that have worked for me in the past:
Have a playlist of your favorite songs or meditations on hand, so you are equipped to dance/sing, meditate/pray, do a vigorous workout, go for a run, or do some cartwheels in the backyard...you know, expend some energy.
Have an anger relief kit at the ready. For some, this may include breakable items to smash (safely and responsibly), a personal journal where you may record your emotions etc. (Kit suggestions below)
Cool it, literally! Take a cool shower, step into a chilly environment, splash cold water on your face etc.
Anger Relief Kit Essentials
A Journal. Keeping a journal on hand enables you to express your feelings without anyone else being aware. It also aids you in assessing what the root cause of your anger is, and how you may be able to find or create solutions. Keeping an ongoing record of emotional reactivity allows you to track your progress and decipher what has and hasn't worked in the past.
Old plates or glasses, vases etc. The idea is to have a few cheap second hand store items that you can smash in a safe and controlled environment.(time and place permitting)
A stress ball or fidget spinner to physically expend energy while providing a momentary distraction. They may also aid in anxiety relief and facilitate a greater ability to focus.
A bottle of cold water/beverage, a cool shower, or simply splashing cold water on your face. The beverage may be used to hold against your face, or to consume to help lower your temperature. Anger has long been known to increase ones body temperature leaving them flushed, giving way to metaphors like 'hot under the collar', 'hot-tempered', 'hot-headed'. Alternatively, cold related metaphors like "keep your cool", "cool, calm and collected" etc. suggest remaining composed in the face of adversity.
A favorite snack or piece of gum. Sometimes when we are irritable, it is because we are hungry and don't realize it. Having a favorite snack available can stimulate dopamine by providing you with something that brings you pleasure or joy. Chewing gum can also release tension and anxiety, aiding in concentration and allowing you to access clear thinking sooner. It may be short lived, but any distraction, no matter how small, will help in a pinch.
It can be easy to find ways to make life a little more user friendly if you are solution oriented and willing to take time to establish which areas of life bring you the highest levels of anxiety, anger, and/or discomfort. Once you have uncovered the activities or areas of life that increase the likelihood of becoming triggered, it becomes much easier to find solutions. Without awareness of the problem (or trigger), finding solutions is impossible.
There are many solutions to be found if you struggle with stress responses when overwhelmed. When it comes to grocery shopping, online ordering may be a great option. Alternatively, there are many all night grocery stores if you still want an in person experience, with fewer people to contend with. Personally finding grocery shopping challenging, my partner and I have opted to order our groceries online and then conveniently pick them up, saving us a significant amount of time and stress!
It truly is of great importance to know yourself and to make time for introspective contemplation. The continuous pursuit of knowledge and the tranquility that comes with self-reflection and self-acceptance is deeply rewarding.
"To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom." -Socrates
Written from the viewpoint of an individual who has Complex PTSD and ADHD, this article shares insights gained over more than 20 years of actively searching for ways to alleviate anger. This exploration has involved engaging in counseling, therapy (CBT+DBT), medication, reading books, practicing meditation, embracing spirituality, and learning from life experiences. Everyone is different and I’m sure there are additional methods to manage anger that I have not touched on, please feel free to add them in the comments below. *Please note, I am not a doctor nor is any of the information shared in this article to be used in place of medical advice.
Thanks for the read, I hope you enjoyed this article and that you found value in it.
Take good care. Love yourself, love each other.
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This is a beautiful follow up to part one, and I appreciate your suggestions. In fact, I’ve used a couple of these myself, and find that practice is a great way to make calmness a natural part of your personality. Keep up the great work. 💜