My whole life I have felt sad. A despair dwelling somewhere deep in my soul. A sorrow so overwhelming at times, that not existing seems a preferable option.
Like millions of others, I take medication for depression, and one for anxiety, but sometimes it just isn't enough. I wind up back in that spiral of self-loathing and intense, negative self-talk. I have done years of therapy and counselling, but it can only help as much as you are willing to let it. As a child I ended up feeling like I must've done it wrong somehow. They offer valuable tools and resources, but you need to be willing (and ready) to use them. Though there is no blanket fix for everyone, we are all unique and blessed with the ability to heal ourselves from within.
My first encounter with a counsellor was at a very young age. I had been exposed to traumatic experiences and the counsellor was asking me to talk about it. I closed up tight and wouldn't say a thing. I buried that trauma so deep that the memories didn't resurface until my thirties. When they came flooding back, it created fallout and chaos akin to a deluge.
I began suffering with intrusive thoughts, no emotional regulation, no sense of self, and surprise; I ended up having a mental breakdown. I had been diagnosed at 13 years old with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, and been medicated from that point in time until said breakdown. At which time, my psychiatrist slowly took me off of my trusty meds and I met raw emotions for the first time, or that's how it felt. I had been medicated for so long and had become lethargic and apathetic most of the time, unless I was very happy or very sad. It felt like I only knew how to deal in extremes, but that might just be another symptom. In 2020 my psychiatrist diagnosed me with Developmental Trauma Disorder(DTD), similar to Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), as a result of experiences I mentioned above. Those events left me unsure of who I was or whether life beyond survival mode and dissociation was even possible. I eventually had to go back on medication, and will more than likely require it for the rest of my life, which I am okay with. Its definitely better than the alternative.
Luckily, we humans are incredibly adept at healing our inner wounds, but that doesn't mean that it comes easy. Healing, for most traumatized individuals, is a practice we need to uphold everyday. Being gentle with ourselves and allowing our healing to happen over time. We cannot expect it to happen over night. I'm not even sure if we are ever fully healed, but we are connecting to ourselves and growing our inner peace. In fact, the more work you put into it, the easier and more natural it becomes.
Trust there will be bad days, but that is what it means to be human. We need to build ourselves the best shields that we can. Not to deflect others, but to deflect our own negative thoughts and internal antagonists. We need to learn how to protect ourselves from ourselves when we are having dark thoughts or feelings of self loathing.
Our own minds can be both our best protectors and our most formidable opponents, and we don't always know which one is going to show up. When we are feeling our best, we need to utilize that energy to help build our defenses for when we aren't feeling too hot.
I found reparenting to be an effective aid in healing abandonment and neglect wounds. I know it sounds silly, but reparenting just means connecting with your inner child.
We need to find and love our inner child-selves, providing them the endless compassion and unconditional love that we should have had from the start. There is little use in looking to the past and appointing blame now, that only proves to bring us down further. The only control that we have in life is how we choose to use our minds, how we choose to react. Our thoughts are often to blame for much of our negative self talk, and a lack of mindfulness only serves to encourage that negative mindset. Our entire world is consumed by technology and distractions, making it hard to even tap into our own emotions or see past the blinders, so to speak.
When we are unsure of what to do, we need to step back. Step away from the picture to truly behold it. We are sometimes incapable of seeing clearly, until we are able to see things from a different perspective. Perspective and the ability to change it or to see situations from someone else's point of view, are valuable keys to life.
One of the most freeing things I learned in therapy about anxiety, is that no one is as fixated on you as you are. No one else cares if you stumbled when you were walking or if you were incredibly awkward in conversation. Everyone isn't focused on you or your perceived catastrophically embarrassing actions, only you are. Kind of a relief isn't it?
I find that anxiety can usually be minimized by practicing mindfulness and gratitude. I have heard it said that depression is when you are ruminating over the past, and anxiety is worry over the future, but in reality, we don't have access to either the past or the future, there is only now. If you choose to be present in this moment here, you are ok. Here and now you are safe. There is no looming threat of harm. I know, I am always on high alert too. We can apply a myriad of fear inducing possibilities to all aspects of our lives, but it really wont do us any good. Our minds tell us that we are preparing ourselves, as some kind of safety precaution by fixating on dangerous possibilities. Although in actuality, it is a use of our energy that could be better spent focused on other things. And often times our fears have a very small possibility of really happening.
We also have a tendency to over-analyze ourselves, using harsh judgements and talking down to ourselves through our inner critic. I find that I become an expert at critical self judgement when I compare myself to others. Comparing ourselves to others is a fallacy to ourselves. It is a dangerous game because we tend to put people we see as strong, on a pedestal, and put people we see as weak, down. When we are harshly critical of others, it is usually because they are displaying some form of weakness that we ourselves display. It is a part of yourself that you have no tolerance for, so why should you have tolerance for it in someone else?
As a collective, we often have the tendency to project our own weaknesses, fears and feelings of self-hatred onto others. Hate is a dangerous thing in itself. It is associated with low vibrational energy and a limiting mindset and it should have no place in our hearts, minds or vocabulary. Hate begets hate and that is useful to no one. However, if we do find that we are suffering with low vibrational energy, (i.e. feelings of anger, hate, fear, envy etc.) we can seek mindfulness and start a regular practice of gratitude and meditation to elevate our energies frequency.
Many belief systems present the notion of a direct connection from thought-to word-to action. In my own experiences this proves true. The things I think about become the things I talk about and eventually those thoughts and words manifest into action, be it progressive or regressive. All things start with intent.
So in this hectic environment we inhabit, try to do at least one thing you enjoy today! Make your inner child feel happy and loved! Take time to connect to the present moment and find beauty in just being. Let us find our peace in moments of self acceptance, in moments free from expectation, and in the moments we use to exude gratitude to ourselves and all thing. What do you do to alleviate your feelings of anxiety or depression? Let us know below.
Take good care. Love yourself, love each other.
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