“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” -Anonymous
Life is challenging for many of us, as a significant portion of the global population has encountered trauma or grief. Going through tragic experiences, particularly from a young age, can negatively impact how we see ourselves and perceive the world around us. This could lead to feelings of despair, rage, and a sense of helplessness, both in the moment and in the aftermath of the traumatic incident. The intense emotions triggered by such events can leave a lasting mark on our psyche. Subsequently, when faced with similar emotional triggers, our minds may relapse back to the past trauma, causing us to react based on that experience rather than the current situation.
This cycle can be incredibly difficult to break, and requires us to rewire our brain, conditioning ourselves to become aware when we are triggered. Being self-aware enough to consciously recognize when we have become triggered gives us the opportunity to decide on our reaction, instead of going through the motions of impulsive reactivity. Similar to a volcanos magma, anger has the potential to build up inside us. If not properly managed, it gradually intensifies until it eventually erupts, often spilling lava on our loved ones who are not responsible for our emotional states.
Navigating Emotional Triggers
Instead of avoiding triggers, it's beneficial to practice removing yourself from the situation when intense emotions arise, until you have had time to return to a more rational mindset. Take a moment to gather yourself, reinforce your beliefs, and remember that true validation comes from within. The goal is not to dodge triggers but to learn how to navigate our way through them effectively, to minimize any negative consequences.
Reflect on the fact that we know ourselves better than any external influence does. Stay firm in your belief in your own value. Remember that when people provoke us, they are looking for the dopamine rush that comes from our immediate response. Instead of reacting impulsively, stay calm and unaffected, with the knowledge that when it comes to anger, no reaction is sometimes the best reaction.
Reinforce your boundaries by refusing to let others sway your emotions, demonstrating your integrity by making it clear that you do not engage in games. This also shifts the dynamic with the person causing the issue, as they are unsuccessful in unsettling you and thus unable to derive pleasure at your expense.
"Another person will not hurt you without your cooperation. You are hurt the moment you believe yourself to be." — Epictetus
The Power of the Delayed Response
To effectively manage anger it is beneficial to refrain from reacting immediately, and instead take time to calm down and reflect on the reasons behind the anger and the intensity of our reaction. We don't always have the luxury of time in the triggering moment, so establishing a daily or weekly meditation or introspection practice can be advantageous, helping us maintain our composure. Doing so will aid us in facilitating greater harmony between our physical and emotional states. Honing these skills will enable us to showcase our emotional regulation and self-control strategies, preparing us to confront triggers without succumbing to impulsive or hasty responses.
“The greatest remedy for anger is delay.” - Seneca
It may sound simple enough, but calming an angry and triggered mind is a challenging task, and there is no universal solution. Experimenting with different methods is a reliable approach to determine what works best for you. From my own experience, I have learned that what helps me manage my anger on one occasion may not be as effective the next time, so it's beneficial to have a range of strategies prepared. Review these strategies in your mind until you are comfortable and familiar with them. Having a clear plan of action can redirect your focus and reduce the likelihood of an immediate angry reaction after being triggered. The second part of this article (coming next week) discusses the components of an anger management plan and alternative methods for controlling outbursts by utilizing props and specific outlets for releasing energy.
The Role of Anger in Setting Healthy Boundaries
Anger brings a unique intensity to the diverse range of emotions we experience. Just like with other unwanted emotions, it's crucial to look within ourselves to uncover the underlying reasons. This exploration helps us grasp the importance of establishing boundaries and recognizing the right moments to set or reinforce them. Similar to our other feelings, anger plays a vital role in our capacity to identify and respond when boundaries need to be put in place. It serves as a signal that someone or something is treating us unfairly, essentially alerting us when things are amiss and shouldn't be dismissed or suppressed. By reflecting inward, you can gain valuable insights into the message behind your anger. Anger should be utilized as a tool, not a weapon.
In a way anger reminds me of the story of Sisyphus, punished by the Gods to eternally push a massive boulder up-hill, as though the boulder is the weight of his thoughts, of his simmering anger. He pushes it all the way up the hill and as he reaches the top, the boulder tumbles back down the hill, which could be perceived as symbolic of losing ones temper. Wouldn't life be so much easier without the burden of that boulder? If we could remove the weight of our own thoughts it would be much easier to scale the hill that is life.
The Impact of Anger on the Body
Anger has adverse physical effects on our bodies. This intense emotion has the ability to affect the function of our gall bladder, liver, and can even constrict blood vessels reducing blood and oxygen levels from the heart, making it work harder than it should. Anger elevates our internal temperature, induces perspiration, stimulates our brains to produce a combination of Cortisol and Adrenalin resulting in increased stress and frustration, and fills us with a sudden rush of nervous energy. Prolonged or daily anger can increase chances of heart attack and stroke, demonstrating the destructive effects anger can have on us physically. A further illustration of the adverse effects would be the development of long term depression and anxiety as a result of excessive rumination and inability to regulate moods or emotions.
"Holding anger is a poison...It eats you from inside...We think that by hating someone we hurt them...But hatred is a curved blade...and the harm we do to others...we also do to ourselves." ―Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven
Our tendency to associate our emotions with our identity is notable, despite the fact that emotions are temporary thoughts or ideas that are not inherently part of our true selves. The only link to the self is the potentially negative impact these emotions can have on the body. In the same way that we are not our thoughts, we are not our feelings. For example, the difference between saying "I am angry" and "I am feeling angry" highlights how we often confuse our emotions as a fundamental aspect of our being, whereas the latter statement acknowledges that emotions do not shape our identity but are momentary sensations we go through.
Strategies for Managing Anger and Cultivating Logical Thinking
Below is a list of things that I have found helpful in taking the edge off when I am in the throes of anger, and aiding me in finding a more logical way of thinking. I am not a doctor, nor is any of this information to be used in place of medical advice. I have struggled with anger issues for over 20 years and developed the information within this article through my own personal experiences and research, working with counsellors/therapists, and books I've read on anger management. Everyone is different and I'm sure there are additional methods to manage anger that I have not touched on, feel free to add them in the comments below.
Avoid reacting impulsively when feeling sudden anger, even if it means restraining yourself. Giving in to anger can lead to overthinking, emotional pain, or negative consequences in your relationships with colleagues, friends, or family. Take a step back from the situation and give yourself a short break. Find a quiet spot to relax and collect your thoughts, either by closing your eyes and regulating your breathing, or by going outside to take in your surroundings.
Reflect on your perspective. Our presence is a fleeting moment in the vast expanse of time and space, with each one of us existing simply by chance. This highlights the insignificance of the ego, which acts as a blindfold of distorted self-perception. The ego often fuels feelings of anger, resentment, jealousy, hatred, and other negative emotions. It is our decisions that shape the peace and purpose in our lives. Simply amassing wealth will not bring about a serene and meaningful life, just as focusing on scarcity will not cultivate abundance or positive emotions. Therefore, it is crucial to detach ourselves from our ego to quell the anger and negativity that inflated egos tend to breed and thrive on.
It is important to remember that we have the ability to liberate ourselves from the judgment or criticism of others through the practice of self-validation. Reflecting on stoic quotes can enhance our resilience and empower us to remain unaffected by external opinions. By having confidence in our self-worth and personal convictions, we can easily see through insults without letting them impact us. If you are in need of inspiring words to amp up your inner strength, stoic philosophy is an immense help in understanding that we are required to meet our own emotional needs and not to expect or rely on anyone external to do that for us.
Have a previously agreed-upon plan to contact a friend or family member who is able to aid in supporting you emotionally and talk through the issue to find solutions. Being subjective will allow you to focus on potential solutions to a problem instead of getting stuck on the energy-draining negatives or the ouroboros (snake eating its own tail) effects of our anger.
If reading is your thing, having a book that you get lost in may help bring your mind back to a rational state or give you a momentary escape, allowing you to quiet your mind.
"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured." -Seneca
Adjusting how we perceive things will aid us tremendously in our endeavor to calm our rough waters. We may periodically need to re-write our personal story, take a step back, look at our lives subjectively and ask ourselves a few questions;
Does my mindset help or hinder me?
When I act on anger, do I receive the outcome I desire?
Would changing my narrative allow me to live a happier life?
Do I hide behind my anger or use it as a crutch?
Does anger disrupt my ability to have safe and stable relationships?
Taking a few minutes to investigate your answers to the above questions may illuminate what course of action would be best suited to you. Take back the reins of your emotions, and direct yourself down the path of your choosing.
I hope you have found value in this article. Please feel free to like, comment, share and subscribe. Take good care. Love yourself, love each other.
References:
Lol, not reigns but “reins”. I love this one, it covers such a broad area of anger, where it comes from, how to cope with it. Over the years I’ve discovered that WAITING was my most effective solution to staying calm. It took me a lot of years to figure it out though! Why can’t we have the wisdom of our old age in youth instead? 🥴